this sucks. this really really really sucks. i’m deciding to “journal” on here today because I’ve complained enough irl.
I can feel the weight of the world right now. We’re all so heavy and so, so unprepared. My job isn’t able to be performed virtually, and we are all being considered “essential employees” that must still go to work with clients in their homes, even if theres a shelter-in-place order. I don’t have benefits from work so I can’t take a leave of absence. I can’t afford my rent if I stop working.
I’ve been sick for a few days now. The worst comes to mind but i can’t think like that. My dad just got diagnosed with cancer, my family can’t afford to lose each other. I’m so thankful that the hospitals, doctors, oncologists are all still willing to help my dad during this time. He needs a lot of tests, and appointments, and eventually a lot of treatment. My family wouldn’t survive if it weren’t for the incredible people doing those jobs.
But if I have to work, because I need money to stay in my home, I can’t see my family until this is all over. I can’t stay home and quarantine and hope to take a walk with them or even stand 6 feet apart. I have to put myself at risk so I can live in my home, just like so many other people are doing, and I feel incredibly selfish for wishing things were different. I wish my dad was going to be okay. I genuinely don’t know what will happen. I wish I could sit on the couch with him and laugh at tv like we usually do to “bond”. We fight so much, but it all seems so pointless now. Now he’s going through a nightmare and I can’t even give him a hug. I’m devastated and can’t even tell him because I can’t add that sadness to what’s already so painful.
This truly, sincerely, exponentially sucks. I just want everything to be over.
This man was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning he breaks his legs, and every afternoon he breaks his arms. At night, he lies awake in agony until his heart attacks put him to sleep.
